I used to like Comcast, and unfortunately still remain a client due to the monopolistic nature of the industry.  I decided about a month ago to move in with my girlfriend in Daly City, CA (5 min south of San Francisco).  We found the perfect townhouse to rent at a good price, with a maximum of an additional few minutes onto my commute to Berkeley.  Working for a Web 2.0 company, I was naturally beholden to find the entertainment package.  To accompany my brand new Samsung 1080p 50" plasma screen I knew that we needed some good old-fashioned high-def programming.  This is where the nightmare began.  I ended up spending over 10 hours and talking to 11 different people without being satisfied.

Everyone I know subscribes to Comcast, my friends, even my parents.  So at my new place, I opted to get a new joint account with my girlfriend for both Premier Cable (the best package) and Powerboost internet (best internet).  My first encounter with one of their dumb as a brick outsourced sales reps (over a program like IM called LiveChat) cost me 20 minutes as I verified my entire order which was placed online only to hear at the last minute that:

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but since your residence already has an existing subscriber, I cannot complete this order at this time"

"You must go to a payment center to have them verify this information."

In other words, since the previous resident moved out, they wouldn't let me do anything since his service expired at the end of the month.  (Even though the service I was ordering was top of the line, and I would have been paying for it if indeed he still lived there)  So being the good sport I was, I went into their payment center (Potrero Ave in SF) on a Saturday afternoon to see a mile long line.  30 minutes later I was talking to their desk jockey who informed me that my hold had been cleared on my account.  I tried to order a package through him, when he told me two things:

1.  You will have to pay $125 for installation.
2.  Read this complicated pamphlet (with 20 people behind you in line) to determine your service package because "your premier package won't give you all of the HD channels."

I learned that Comcast has both an internet self install kit ($10) and a professional installation ($100 - new $40 rebate).  Knowing how to use a computer (and also knowing that a chimp could perform the cable modem installation) I wanted to get the self install kit.  I was informed however that since it was a new account, I had to pay for professional installation for both the cable and the internet.  The catch was that IF I was an existing customer (ie I already had cable) then I could get the self install kit.  So in other words, I could just have gotten the cable installed, THEN called them to get the self install kit and saved $50.

"The hell with that!" I said.  Why should I pay $50 at minimum extra to do something I could easily do?  He told me it was their policy, so not wanting to get hosed, I decided to do my own research to figure out how to save $50 and get my internet self install kit.  Now I wish I'd just paid them their ridiculous fee.

So first I tried to order the internet kit via my parents account to my new address.  I reasoned that they could just charge my folks for the internet in the same way someone with multiple addresses might want to consolidate bills.  The second, somewhat more wily LiveChat guy told me (impersonating my parents with their consent) that I couldn't do this, but I could instead call them and just have them send out a self install kit.  

Jarrel.24880(Sun Jan 27 18:43:07 PST 2008)>It is possible to waive the installation fee for the High Speed Internet upon the installation of the Cable service.

So I called.  I was about halfway through the process with this 1-800-COMCAST sales guy on the phone placing an ENTIRELY NEW ORDER when I discovered that I would have to pay extra if I used him since the rates I was originally quoted for service were "Internet Specials."  So I had to hang up with him and go back online to LiveChat.

So, I ended up placing an order online for just the High Speed Internet Self Install Kit.  I explained my circumstances, and began the order process.  (Note: All of the Comcast Rep times are ahead for some reason)

Martin(Sun Jan 27 19:18:13 PST 2008)>May I ask if you are a new subscriber or an existing subscriber of Comcast?

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 16:17:52 PST 2008)>well i already subscribed to digital premier, but it hasn't been installed yet

Martin(Sun Jan 27 19:18:56 PST 2008)>Okay. Thank you for that information.

Martin(Sun Jan 27 19:19:18 PST 2008)>Was it beyond your scheduled installation?

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 16:19:01 PST 2008)>my installation is scheduled for friday the 1st of february

40 minutes later, I was told the following (Abridged):

Martin(Sun Jan 27 19:58:07 PST 2008)>I am so sorry but we cannot yet process your orders because you have an open installation schedule. I do apologize for this inconvenience.

Martin(Sun Jan 27 20:02:00 PST 2008)>We must follow the terms and agreements that Comcast has to offer. If you would like to know more about this, you can call us at 1-800-Comcast and they will be more than happy to assist you with your concern. I am so sorry for the mistake I had given you, Brad.

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 17:01:53 PST 2008)>don't shirk it off to an 800 number

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 17:02:09 PST 2008)>i just waited 40 minutes after you knew i wanted to get a self installer kit

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 17:02:16 PST 2008)>and i had a pending installation

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 17:02:26 PST 2008)>so i want an explanation

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 17:02:29 PST 2008)>of the policy

Martin(Sun Jan 27 20:03:58 PST 2008)>Brad, they can help you process your orders on 1-800-Comcast while you still have a pending installation.

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 17:03:19 PST 2008)>but you can't

Martin(Sun Jan 27 20:04:36 PST 2008)>Unfortunately, Yes. We cannot process orders if our customers have a pending installation schedule.

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 17:03:59 PST 2008)>how is speaking to someone over the phone versus over livechat going to improve my situation

Martin(Sun Jan 27 20:04:46 PST 2008)>I am so sorry for this inconvenience.

Brad_(Sun Jan 27 17:04:23 PST 2008)>i'd like your ID number please

Martin(Sun Jan 27 20:07:19 PST 2008)>Okay Brad. My badge number is 100307210. I am so sorry for the inconvenience.

Now I was pissed, but determined to resolve the issue.  So I did as he asked, and called up 1-800-COMCAST yet again.  After getting directed to Seattle, Washington I was then told that I would have to be directed to Los Angeles, where I got stuck at a menu asking for my LA zip code and hung up.  (Every time you call they ask for the phone number on the account, but since it was a new place, I naturally didn't have a phone number for it yet.)  I called again and got one other guy who after 10 minutes of explaining the situation decided that he wasn't the guy to speak to, and gave me the number for their Internet Order department.  I called it, and guess what, a wrong number.  So I had to call back and go through the menu system all over again to finally speak to someone to ask them to give me the number of the Internet Order Department.

She, Julie #: UMM was my saving grace.  She said "Well I'm a salesperson, what can I do to help?"  5 minutes later, everything was resolved, and I was going to get my self installer kit which was going to be brought in by the tech for the regular fee, and on top of that my installation date was moved up three days.  This woman should be promoted to the head of customer service for Comcast.  I thought it was finally over, but I was wrong.

Through all of this process, there was no place to enter if you wanted an HD box, instead of a regular one.  So the tech comes in, installs everything, and gives me my internet kit.  I finally sit down to watch some programming, and guess what?  No HD channels.  I call, and it turns out it's another $7/mo fee for the new equipment rental.  So since my folks had an extra paid HD box, I figured I might just be able to hook that one up to the TV and pick up the HD channels.  So I bring it over, but when I arrive, my girlfriend tells me that now the REGULAR cable has stopped working entirely.  So I had to schedule another appointment with a tech who came in the next morning.

I knew that my parents HD box might not be compatible, so I specifically requested for the tech to bring in another HD box so I could get set up if mine wasn't going to work.  However, the tech naturally didn't have one (just the extra $14/mo DVRs), but he told me that my HD box should work just fine after talking to his supervisor.  So he hooks it up, says it's good to go, and I see some HD programming.  However, over an hour and a half later, I still can't see my channel guide, and all my Premium channels say "To Order, Call 1-800-COMCAST." 

So I now have to head out to a service center again to fix the problem.  I call customer service, where they explain to me, since I work in Berkeley, that I can pick up an HD box anywhere, and bring it home.  The first time I go to the store during lunch, there's an inexplicable "Store Closed Today" sign on the door, despite it being 1pm on a Wednesday.  So I come back the next day to the Berkeley payment center and ask if they can change out the box to an HD box. 

"Where do you live?
"Daly City"
"That's going to be a problem."
"You mean you can't exchange the boxes here?"
"Humph... I wiiish."

Now before work the next day I have to drive all the way down to Pacifica to get my HD box.  FINALLY IT WORKS.

The Super Bowl looks great, although the Pats lost.  Internet is fast.  Everything is hunky-dorey.  Then the bill comes to an amount of $232.24 for the first month!  (Including the previously unmentioned $17.74 in taxes and fees)  Seems that someone screwed up somewhere, since I'm getting charged $131.03 for Premier Digital Cable despite having ordered the online rate of $79.99.  I call 1-888-COMCAST yet again.  They inform me that they can't do anything over the phone, and now I have to go back to the outsourced LiveChat to resolve the issue.  This is because apparently they have different divisions with all different rates, none of whom talk to each other.  You go into the store, you get one rate, go online, you get a different rate, call their 800 number, get yet another rate.  SIGH.

Welp, looks like I'm back on LiveChat again.  Gotta love the poorly veiled outsourced labor with the predefined responses to your issues.  I must then explain and reexplain my issue to another person online for another 90 minutes (not an exaggeration, I have the chat logs) in a conversation that goes like this:

Maria.25536(Sun Feb 10 15:19:50 PST 2008)>I see here that you have Standard cable amounting to $55.99.

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:19:41 PST 2008)>I never ordered standard cable

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:20:04 PST 2008)>I thought that they added standard, then Premier was on top of it as an additional service

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:20:25 PST 2008)>but if all i need to be billed for is premier, then that's what i want.  i never wanted standard

Maria.25536(Sun Feb 10 15:24:07 PST 2008)>Okay. Do you want me to remove the standard cable in your service?

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:24:28 PST 2008)>so i'll have all of the same channels, but won't get billed for the standard?

Maria.25536(Sun Feb 10 15:25:59 PST 2008)>I apologize but you are unable to receive the channels from standard cable.

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:26:03 PST 2008)>so wait a minute

Maria.25536(Sun Feb 10 15:26:46 PST 2008)>Okay.

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:26:18 PST 2008)>you mean to tell me that online you advertise a premier package

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:26:22 PST 2008)>for $80

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:26:33 PST 2008)>and that it doesn't include the regular channels?

THEN (because I obviously wasn't clear the first time):

Maria.25536(Sun Feb 10 15:29:47 PST 2008)>You can get all the channels listed at digital premier.

Brad_(Sun Feb 10 12:29:48 PST 2008)>so since the digital premier and the standard overlap entirely, i'm not going to be missing any channels if i cancel the standard am i?

Maria.25536(Sun Feb 10 15:31:40 PST 2008)>Definitely, Brad. 

Now at long last it's clear.  They decided to charge me $57.91 a month for a service which was totally unnecessary, and was superseded by my other package.

The message I'm trying to convey here is simple.  Comcast:  YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE SUCKS.  Everyone I've talked to hates it.  We all hate talking to people who don't speak English very well, and can't understand our issues.  We hate having to do LiveChat which takes 45 minutes longer than a phone call.  We also hate your confusing rates, your disguised surcharges, and your atrociously trained staff (save a few diamonds in the rough).  What you need to do is get people to pick up the phone who can access and change anything on your account, and advertise a SINGLE set of rates without bogus charges people don't want or need.  On top of that, be honest with your customers about the bill, don't try to sucker them in, then hit them with a ridiculous charge and little recourse.

I've had simple problems which should have required nothing more than speaking to a single person for 5 minutes.  Unfortunately your convoluted systems and your endless nonsensical procedures have rendered that conclusion all but impossible.  What you need to do is centralize and unify all procedures, and eliminate the LiveChat altogether except on the most basic of sales.  All you're doing is selling three damn products with a couple of different options.  It's not that hard.

Instead I feel like some defiant storeclerk watching his shop explode in a mob movie.  "You should have just paid us the money."